Last week in particular- I did not have anything late or heavy before bed (beef usually gives me nightmares or super crazy dreams), but I am heeding the warning from that dream. I dreamt that I delivered my daughter at home ALONE about a month early and I had NOTHING - meaning we were not prepared. Her nursery wasn't ready, we didn't have anything for her. Not a stitch of clothing or a diaper to put on her bottom!
Oh and I delivered this happy little bundle of joy on my own - she was an awesome little easygoing bundle of joy we were just in awe of one another - she had the wisest eyes, warm, inquisitive, love. I don't remember being in pain, but I remember the anguish I felt from not being prepared - I felt like I let us both down. I had her food supply ready to go, and I went into MacGuyver Mommy mode with getting her bundled up in some bath towels and all - ironically I remembered in the dream to not wipe her hands off after giving birth to her so that she would be able to "sense" where to find her milk. I also could not drive us both to the hospital. Crazy Right!
I always like to analyze and reflect on what I dream about, I think our dreams have a way of telling us or showing us something through symbols and meaning. I know in the back of my mind I've been feeling pressure and that little voice telling me I'm running out of time - you don't want to rush and be stressed out, plan, plan, plan so you have everything exactly how you want it. - From my many years of dealing with Men and moving (Dad and Significant Other), I've come to realize they just throw things together kinda haphazardly and aren't really thinking about the organization or the planning of it all (women's work). It's a painful truth I prefer to avoid at all costs. I've already been told "we have time". Nope, THEY have time, but you don't because you then have to pick up the pieces from their "work".
We were also preparing the eldest for his freshman year of high school - needless to say he was nervous, not sure what to expect - and all I could do was reinforce calm. I told him it was going to be fine and that we just had to get through the first day so that he would be assured that everything was going to be fine.
Enter the sudden burst of Energy that I had out of nowhere and the insatiable desire to get all things organized and ready for high school and the little one. We knocked high school preparation out of the park and now I have an extra set of hands prepared to help me get the nursery ready! I was shocked, and pleasantly surprised.
When I think about it, that's kind of how labor is - each experience is different, but you don't know what's going to happen until it happens, you can read/watch/prepare until your brain bursts but until you go through it those nerves will be there. The difference this time is that I'm much more seasoned, I am not as easily ruffled, and I'm trusting my body to do its job - God didn't design us for failure. It's all about being self-aware and knowing yourself. I felt baby girl's first little flutters or kicks around 12 weeks. It's impossible not to be nervous or even worried just a bit.
I had to check-in with myself and ask - "Davon, are you creating anxiety-filled situations to create an adrenaline rush because you're a recovering procrastinator/adrenaline junky?" I had to ask myself this because this past winter and early spring were major life altering events. At an even deeper level, I have had to ask myself, are some of the things that worry me legitimate concerns? I ask myself this because I have had a personal struggle in the past with realizing that I'm worthy, or that I deserve happiness and not wait for the other shoe to drop and something disastrous to happen. To be honest, this was deeply seeded in me subscribing and actually believing a limiting belief that an elder would ignorantly reiterate to myself and other children that we "didn't deserve" this or we "didn't deserve" that - it's interesting in how those limiting beliefs show up in our behaviors. So before anyone else got the chance to sabotage my happiness, I would sabotage it myself through my actions - it took a while to really see what was going on. Alas, that's another conversation for another time. I'm aware of that program and I've unsubscribed from that channel and program altogether - but when I feel like I'm being spun up on self-doubt I have to remember who I am and how blessed I am. I've learned to be present in the moment and allow God to bless me without questioning his timing or order.
To be honest, the past 12 months have been some of the most challenging we've faced. We've endured SO much and I thank God that he brought us through it all. There were some amazing things that happened, as a result of those trying times. Our Eldest took on a whole new level of maturity and outlook on life. We have realized just how precious life is, and we were blessed to experience a New Life (metaphorically) and in the physical sense on the other side of such adversity and life changing events. For that, my children will always in my heart be Rainbow Babies/Children. Rainbow babies/children are those that are born after the storm, after much has been endured.
Until Next Time Loves,